I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize