and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
