I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize