I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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