Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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