I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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