..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
