i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
