I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
