I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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