What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
