he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
