Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
