i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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