I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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