Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
