I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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