I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
