Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
