I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
