Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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