Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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