Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
