I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
