If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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