my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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