My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
