You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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