I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
