the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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