it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize