I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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