Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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