I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize