when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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