It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We have started to decorate penises.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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