everyone is single if you try hard enough
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
