My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
