i would punch a child for taco bell
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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