yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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