i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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