I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Did you just see the Batmobile???
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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