They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
