when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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