im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
