im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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