Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
