I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I came so hard my ears popped.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
