Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
