The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we made out on top of his cat.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
