This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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