For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
