i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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