Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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