I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
