I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
