Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
